Monsters in the light

The biggest monsters don't hide in the dark. They don't lurk in shadows to scare you with cheap tricks. The biggest monsters stare you in the face without shame in plain daylight and make you feel like you're insane or inappropriate. Their cloak is made of carefully chosen words and role playing. But do not mistake that for guilt, they don't feel guilty for feeding on you and bleeding you dry, they just know they have to keep appearances so that nobody will suspect foul and come to your rescue.

And the worst kind of monster? Those that prey on the stupidity and selfishness of a parent, to feed on the innocence of a child. Because whether you want it or not, time will redirect your anger away from monster and towards the guardian that instead of protecting you betrayed your innocence and your love, and sold everything they have (including you) for an illusion.

The greatest monsters latch on your carotid like a bug, and they feed, growing and crushing you more and more. They enjoy your torment and show you they won, while you are desperately trying to understand how your protector can be so blind and deaf and how can they trust the monster's words and not yours.

The shock of the first times doesn't completely bring your innocence to its knees, but once your naivete cannot offer that flimsy protection for your mind, you start to drift, and then to sink further and further into yourself. You become detached of that part of yourself that goes on with mundane life, and try to find shelter in the last part of your body you can protect: your mind. Books become your biggest friend, but once the read is over, you're back to that state of disgust and revulsion. The parasite monster grows, fed by your constant recall in a loop of the moments it hurt and destroyed you. Fed by each time it sees you squirming alone, showing you their complete triumph over the person that should have kept you from harm and therefore letting you think there's nobody there to get you out of this nightmare.

At its worst, there are moments when you think life will not be anything else other than this, and that you can't take it anymore. The least bad moments are when you wish you could fast forward time, be a "grownup" so you can defend yourself. Either way, you're desperate for the ordeal to end... somehow.

So the monster grows, and much later you realize that the biggest nourishment for it is your silence. Your silence comes from feeling terrified, ashamed, exhausted, helpless and crushed and keeps you spiraling down, but for the monster it's the sweetest dessert. I found that way too late... but I'm happy that I chose to give myself the lifetime to realize it.

The monster never goes away, and it will still creep in its filth from time to time. But once you break the silence and fill your mind with purpose, the monster shrinks and you grow. He'll win some battles for the rest of your life, but the war will be your victory, and nothing and nobody will be able to take that away from you.

The Coffee Shop

A small window was the only thing that made the wall full of photos less sad. She watched her almost empty coffee cup, pondering if she can refill it, or just keep watching for the rest of her time the few drops left.

She hardly notices the surrounding decor and silhouettes frantically coming and going and dancing strange dances. She purposely chose that table near the photo wall, the most secluded table... though weirdly enough it also has the best altogether view of the cafe. It's been ages since she lifted her eyes to look around. Her other senses already offered an overwhelming and unbearable picture of things.

There it is, that never-ending train of thoughts, that constant flow of unspoken words that leaves her flummoxed, not knowing if one second or ten years have passed. Everything melts until it makes sense, and colors scream before painting gruesome portraits.

Her leg muscles suddenly contract, but this time not as a defense. This time it's the signal to leave the cafe, yes, that's the plan. Sip whatever coffee is left in the cup, then get up and leave. Yes, this time I'm sure. Both hands on the coffee cup...This is odd! The coffee cup wouldn't lift from the table.

She shifts her gaze just enough to finally notice the stranger that took a sit at her table and was looking at her with that non-childish childish expression in his eyes that the sweetest dreams are made of.

His hands were holding hers, and kept the coffee cup firmly on the table. She put her forehead on his right shoulder and closed her eyes.

The door of the coffee shop slowly faded away and disappeared.